Boundaries and Family Reunions

The holidays start this week. Thanksgiving will be celebrated this week and Christmas next month. Family reunions can be fun. However, they can also be challenging when you deal with family members who do not respect boundaries.

I refer to the person who says things like: Are you still single? Are you still in that job? When are the two of you having kids? Did you gain a few pounds? I am also referring to that family member who might drink more than a couple of drinks and get belligerent and talks with no filter.

I want to propose you some ideas on how to deal with those family members. Please know I am not the expert in your life, you are. I hope my ideas give you another perspective and that you create your own perspective and take your own decisions.

In what do you have control?

I want to invite you to consider the situations in which you have control vs. the situations in which you do not have control.

You have control when it comes to the choice of attending vs. not attending. Not to mention that being socially distance due to COVID-19 gives you the perfect politically correct excuse to not attend and protects you from COVID-19.

You have control on the time you leave your family reunions. If particularly, in your family some members cannot handle their drinks and after a certain time of the night conversations turn bitter, you have control on leaving at a certain hour.

Do you have control on other’s behavior or on other’s comments? You do not.

Do you have control on setting your boundaries? Yes.

Will others get mad at you because you do not attend a family reunion?

Yes, some will and some others will not. Setting boundaries is a way of self-care. Unless you are a young child, you are the only one in charge of taking care of yourself. None one can set boundaries for you but yourself.

Setting boundaries

Boundaries might present in different ways, from attending to not attending a family reunion. From leaving before a certain hour, to choosing to sit next to someone who is your ally in the family. From choosing what do you discuss and what you don’t discuss with certain family members, to cordially but firmly not answering those kind of questions that I mentioned at the beginning of this article.

I wonder what will your uncle say when you reply with:

“I wonder why do you think you can ask me that?”

“I wonder why do you think you can say that?”

“I am not going to answer that. I am here to have dinner and have a good time. This is not the time and place”

Boundaries go beyond in person boundaries. You can set boundaries also online. You can set a list of acquaintances, friends and close friends in Facebook. You can disable notifications from a WhatsApp group during some time. You can control how many hours or minutes you interact online with people. You can choose what to share online. You have control on commenting or ignoring posts and comments.

Controlling how you spend your time in your family reunion

If you are going to attend a family reunion, you might have some control on how you spend your time during that family reunion. Do you have to spend all Thanksgiving dinner next to your family member who is mean to you or can you sit next to someone who is your ally?

Identify who are your allies. Who has influence in the family, who has power in the family, who is someone who will stick with you in case of family conflict? Who is someone that your belligerent family member respects? Who do you want to sit next to? is there an aunt or uncle that you enjoy sitting next to and listen to their stories? Can you spend time with the children of the family and play with them or play with the family dog/cat? Can you spend time catching up with a family member you like or spend time in the kitchen helping with cooking?

Taking care of yourself

If you know you are going to go ahead and visit your family and you know this is going to affect you emotionally despite setting your boundaries, then make a plan.

The same way that you will plan for a self-care plan after a marathon or after a surgery, plan for your care. What is your plan for black Friday or for the day after Xmas? I am not referring to shopping. Retail therapy is not therapeutic, you do not process your emotions when you are shopping.

What is your self-care plan? Who are you going to connect with after an unpleasant holiday? What is good for you? What cheers you up? Is it walking with your pet, talking to a friend, listening to your favorite playlist, cooking? Make a plan.

Holidays are hard

Holidays are hard, not only because it is that time of the year where we all come together with our different personalities and encounter issues that have never been resolved. Holidays are also that time of the year when the absence of someone hurts more. For many this Thanksgiving will be their first holiday without someone they lost to COVID-19. For many it will be meeting their family who might be on a different opinion in politics.

For many of us, it might be the first holidays without a large family.

For many is a solitary day.

Holidays are hard, plan on a self-care plan, you are not a robot, things are going to affect you and this is O.K. It means you have a heart.

Eunice A. Palacios Ramírez, LMFT

11/23/20