Positive Discipline

We are wired to belong

There are many parenting models out there, many of them have different approaches. I trained in the Positive Discipline Model developed by Jane Nelsen. This model based on Alderian Theory suggests that we are wired to belong, we seek connection.

Coded messages

Jane Nelsen suggests that behind a child's misbehavior there is an emotional need to be addressed. When a child misbehaves there is a coded message behind their behavior. There is a goal the child is trying to achieve with their behavior. This goal is related to their need to belong.

To illustrate this concept, let me give you one example: a child is crying, feeling defeated and giving up while doing homework. This child most likely provokes a reaction from the parent similar to: Why?! It is just an easy homework! Why do you cry?! Please hurry up because I have to cook dinner and run errands!

The child's intention is not to ruin your evening (even thought it might feel like this), the child coded message considering their need to belong might be something like: "Show me the first step, show me I am capable because I feel uncapable, I need you to have faith in me, I am overwhelmed." However, a child does not have the language and insight to say all this coded message. Even us as adults will have a hard time saying this coded message.

When you look at children's/teens behavior through an attachment lens (imagine you put on a pair of glasses that allows you to see your child's emotional needs behind their behavior), then their behavior is easier to be understood and you as parent or caregiver are able to respond in ways to address that need.

Quality vs quantity

When I was studying this model and trying it out with my own children I quickly realized that I felt guilty when I did not respond in the ways the model suggested. It was very difficult to be a positive discipline parent throughout the day. At a conference I asked the creator of the model about this. She told me something along the lines of not having to be a positive discipline parent all the time. You can't be a positive discipline parent 24/7. What is important is to respond with attunement in "key" moments and have quality of interactions vs quantity of interactions with your child/teen.

Parental self-care

Also while training in this model I realized I could be more of a positive discipline parent when I had slept at least 7 straight hours and had eaten well. How do you pour from an empty cup? Self-care is extremely important, being present is something that in my opinion is intentional and if this means taking time for yourself, asking for support from your community when you need it, taking a nap to recharge your energy and patience; then this will help to have quality of time with your child/teen.

Children as pupils, parents as teachers

Something I like about this model is that it looks at discipline as teaching, it looks at parenting as this opportunity to teach a child/teen values. It is a model where the child/teen is respected and where the parent is an authority, a firm and gentle authority, not a firm and punitive or cruel authority.

Being a firm and gentle authority does not mean being permissive. I strongly believe that parents need to be the authority in the household, a child/teen can't run the house. A house where there is structure, rules and consequences DECREASES anxiety in a child/teen. Imagine starting a job where you don't know how much you will be paid, what time you have to arrive, what are the rules and duties expected. You will be very disoriented and worried about this job. Structure, boundaries, routines and consequences decrease a child's anxiety.

Emotion regulation

A child or teen generally has a hard time understanding, naming and regulating their emotions. Even as adults we have a hard time with this. It is our role as parents or caregivers to be an "emotional coach" for our children/teens. We are their life teachers, we can teach them skills to identify their emotions, put words to their emotions and regulate their emotions.

A lot of my work when I see children/teens in therapy is on practicing emotion regulation skills. In addition, a lot of my work is also in helping you as a parent to model emotion regulation. Having emotion regulation skills is what is going to help your child/teen to navigate disappointments, transitions and challenges. Being able to regulate themselves is a valuable life skill to have.

The brain

When we are calmed and present, our brain cortex (logical brain) is engaged. When we are angry, furious and yell, we disengage the brain cortex and activate the limbic brain (emotional brain). In we feel endangered or threatened we activate our reptilian brain (survival brain) and disengage the rest of the brain. When we disconnect our cortex, our child/teen will disconnect his/her brain cortex too, their brain mirrors what they see and feel from us. This is why we can't teach a child a lesson when we are furious and yell. If their cortex is disconnected the lesson in going in one ear and out the other.

Moreover; children, teens and young adults brains are in development and when our brains are developing we might act in impulsive ways. In addition, when a child or teen goes through trauma, their survival brain activates and their brain cortex disengages, making it difficult to have success in school because in order to perform well in school the brain cortex needs to be engaged.

It is not what happened to us is how we make sense of it

When I work with children and teens I spend a very significant amount of time with the parents/caregivers. We all want the best for our children and often making a change in the way we parent means breaking generational patterns. You might had been treated very differently than how you treat your children/teens, you might have gone through trauma and you want to do things different with your child/teen.

When I work with parents I borrow ideas from the author Dr. Daniel Siegel and address trauma. Dr. Siegel suggest that trauma is powerful. However, he says it is not necessarily about what happened to you in the past, it is about how you made sense of it. Therapy is an opportunity to make sense of the past, to process the pass and to make new meanings of the past in order to break generational patterns. I am here to support you.

Workshops, parent coaching, family therapy

As a positive discipline educator I am available to provide workshops on positive discipline. In addition, positive discipline informs the way I work with parents. As a marriage and family therapist I am also able to bring a systemic approach when I work with children/teens, meaning that I work with the child's system. I have experience facilitating family therapy and have encountered that when the family is involved in the treatment changes are more sustainable.